Okay so lately my life has been like the weather. One minute i am happy and the next i am sad. I hate that yoyo!
I miss my mom. I miss my granddad and Jnr granddad. I miss my dark chocolate. Life i know is supposed to come with hurdles but when does the break come?
We pray and believe and believe and keep faith and sometimes our hope is dashed on the rocks. I wish when I prayed the 'NO' would be in neon lights so I don't go on for months, years wishing and hoping for that which would never come.
I remember praying for the day i would see my mum fully recover from that stroke, when i would see her walk again and totally happy without that shadow in her eyes. That day never came.
I always thought my grandpa and Jnr grandpa would be there at my wedding wearing matching 'Alari' outfits and beads as usual. But that is not to be.
All three are gone in the same year. You would think i get a break right? Wrong. Still the same old pressures of work, bills, family and emotions fighting for a piece of me.
I thought my tears were buried so deep inside me that they could never come out. I was so wrong. They creep up on me at the weirdest of times.
Sometimes i just feel so lost. I practice counselling myself in front of the mirror.
I try to be optimistic.
I try to keep my faith unshaken.
I try to keep my world unwavering.
I try to keep the pain and the anger away...
But i am only shutting it up and a box kinda like Pandora's. It is not working any longer. My box is leaking.
People often say that the darkest time is before the dawn. God it is so so so dark now.
Is my breakthrough here?
Is it coming?
Will it arrive soon?
I don't know how long i can hold on.
I am cracking badly.
I know Dark chocolate cant handle seeing me like this so i try to be strong for him because i can no longer do it for myself. So God if you can hear me, it's time to ride in on a white horse and save the day.
My heart is heavy. My heart is full. It is like the weather.
One minute happy, the other sad.
